The Wrong Shampoo, Snoring, and the Cruel Irony of It All

long_hair_shampoo_for_bald_man

A few days ago I reach down to “my corner” of the shower (the one with one bottle, not twelve), and pull up a new shampoo. Timely. I had just run out, and I’m married to a wonderful wife who always keeps me stocked up. Obsessed with good smelling shampoo (the real reason I still use it), I decided to see what my bald head was going to indulge in for the next few weeks.

But what caught my eye was not the flavor. It was the type of shampoo. Or rather, the type of hair this particular shampoo is used for. Shampoo. For long hair. And better still, shampoo for people who have apparently had, or are intending to have, a long term relationship with their long hair.

I have neither. And worse yet, it even mocked me in Spanish.

But the personal products story is not over. In an attempt to curb my hellacious snoring via the Dutch nose I inherited from my father, my wife bought me Breathe Right Strips. Only my genuine excitement for my wife’s long-awaited peaceful night’s sleep motivated me to apply the strange fitting latex band. A glorified Band Aid really. Why don’t I just spend less money and stick a Dora the Explorer bandage on my face?

I read the directions, stuck the thing over my nose, then went to sleep. Hoping for the best.

Surprisingly, my nose was unusually clear during the night. Deep breaths. I liked it. And not as uncomfortable as I would have thought. So much so, that I forgot I had it on when I woke up at 6:55am to the word “Done!” coming from the other bathroom. Done is the one word my kids use to signal Jennifer and I that, “Hey, Parent, I’ve just pooped a lot on the toilet, I lack the needed motor skills to properly wipe myself, and I really need you because I’m tired of sitting here with this smell I’ve created.” I climb out of my bed, walk into the hallway, and find Eva sitting on the toilet. Waiting. As I reach down to do the deed, she says, “Dad, what the crap’s wrong with your nose?”

ch_nose_strips

Note to self. Remove Breathe Right Strip before wiping 4 year old’s butt. (Why wasn’t that on the directions?)

I crawled back into bed only after sending Eva to try and “sleep in” on this Saturday morning (a term I don’t think she’ll ever quite grasp, as she’s this morning-guy’s daughter). I’m just about to enter my REM stage when something wakes me up. No, not “done” again. Not my 5 month old telling the whole house he’s hungry. Not even my 3 year old playing WWF off the rungs of his crib. What was it you ask?

Jennifer. Snoring.

And when asked how my Breathe Right Stripes worked? She said, “Uh, I think it was louder.” Nice. ch:

  • Nathan R.

    Don’t bald people just use body soap on their scalp?

    And did you wake to find Jenny snoring or did she woke you up because of your snoring?

  • Nathan: Yes, perhaps most bald people do. But bar soap dries out my face and scalp too much. And, as I stated, I simply love the smell of shampoo too much. And Jenny woke me up with HER snoring. ch:

  • Dave B

    Funny funny stuff… Sounds like a day in our house…

  • Caleb Darling

    Christopher, this is awesome. I love the fact that Jenny bought you Shampoo for long hair. And I bet the extra clarity of your nose sure helped the smelling effect of cleaning up after Eva. Great update.

  • Jason Clement

    HILARIOUS!!!

  • Dave: glad I’m not alone!
    Caleb: it did indeed…sweet aroma!
    Jason: I’m learning to be funny!
    ch:

  • Betsy B.

    hahaha this was great! Definitely made me laugh after a night of algebra and chemistry homework

  • Billy.J

    Oh my gosh! That’s hilarious!! I can’t believe the irony of it all! LOL!! 🙂 Pure comedy, you could get rich with that kind of comedy! 🙂

    Billy

  • Betsy: I’ve designed my blog specifically for those suffering from homework trauma. Glad it’s working.
    Billy: Now there’s an idea!
    ch:

  • EmClem

    I sincerely plan on having a long term relationship with my long hair. My New Years’ resolutions for two years has been to not cut
    my hair, bc I actually set realistic goals for myself on New Years.
    Come to think of it, it’s only every other day that I set unrealistic goals. Now that’s something for
    me to think about…